A GOOD TIME TO TALK
A very good time to build family communication about sex is when your child is between 9 and 12 years old. At this age most children are very interested in trying to understand how everything works, including their own bodies. Despite a common exterior of embarrassment, sex is a topic children are VERY interested in. They often try to figure out sex and reproduction in the same matter-of-fact way they might try to understand how an automobile engine works.

As their own bodies, or their friends’ bodies, begin changing, preteens become very interested in what is normal. Since some begin to develop early and others lag behind, many youngsters are very concerned about being different from their friends. Talking with parents can help to reassure them that these differences are completely normal.

This is also an excellent time for parents to begin discussing their values and beliefs about issues such as dating rules, “dirty jokes”, sex before marriage, etc. Few preteens are ready to carry on long discussions on such topics. But they are likely to remember what you say if you keep your remarks simple, specific, and do not insist that they immediately agree.

As youngsters become teenagers, talking about sex usually becomes more difficult to discuss with parents. It is normal for teenagers to want more independence and some distance from their own families. They need a reasonable amount of privacy and trust. Also, as their sexual feelings become stronger, they may be less able to discuss sex in the straightforward way of the preadolescent. But if you have already established a pattern of honestly talking about sex-related topics, it is more likely that you will be able to continue this communication through adolescence.

LISTENING IS IMPORTANT
To talk to your children in a way that will really help, you have to also listen to their words, and to the feelings behind their words. You must try to see things through their eyes. If they feel that you understand them, they are more likely to talk openly with you. One of the best ways to see the world through your child’s eyes is to try to remember yourself at the same age.

Spend a few minutes thinking about these questions:

• When did you notice your body starting to change, and how did you feel about it?
• What ideas did you have that were mistaken?
• What did your parents tell you about sex?
• At what age?
• What did they say that was helpful? What was not helpful?
• What do you wish they had said or done to help you understand yourself and others?
• What do you want to do in the same way with your children?
• What do you want to do differently?

Some of the things our children go through will be similar to things you experienced when you were young. Others will not be. It may help to relate a few of your own experiences. The danger is in going too far, saying “I know exactly what you’re going through” about everything. Young people are quickly turned off by this approach. Careful listening also makes it easier for you, because you will have a better idea about exactly what your child needs to know. Before answering a difficult question, it may help to ask your child what he or she thinks the answer is. The reply may tell you what you need to say next.